Let me first clarify that the “you” that I am referencing is not just one person. It’s multiple people from the last decade of my life. It will be explained further but the incidences that I am about to talk about are not in order, and the same person did not commit the offence that will follow it sequentially. They might not even have been in the same city or country. The might not even know each other. Paragraphs do not necessarily denote new people and I may reference 4 or 5 people in each one. Some people will know exactly what I’m talking about and who I am referencing. The people who I mention however will know who they are because they’ll know what they did.
This is my open letter to you.
You may or may not know that you have changed my life. At one point, you made me feel worthless. You questioned me, you questioned who I was. When you met me I was a wilder person, I was younger, more impressionable. What you did mattered to me. I had a bold look that you didn’t understand or care to understand so you made it appear. I know I’m not what you expected. I know I never have been. I know I intimidate and I am outspoken, but did you have call me overly emotional? Did you have to tear me down the first time I stood up for myself in your presence?
You told me that I’d never get married, you told me that I’d never marry him. You told me that no man would want me. You questioned why he was with me and what I brought to the table. You told me that our wedding would never happen. You told me that we would fail. You questioned my devotion to my husband; obviously with you being so high and mighty. When I told you I was pregnant, you questioned if I’d “heard of contraception”. You doubted whether I’d have the ability to care for my son financially.
You look at me vacantly, like I am just someone to pass the time, someone to fill a void, someone who you don’t really need. You don’t realise how much I need you, you don’t realise how much I wish you were stronger. You say you don’t care but I watch you get hurt so many times, and fall back into the same traps that are set for you by different people. When you hurt I hurt because I love you so wholeheartedly and I wish you’d stop putting yourself in positions to be hurt because it’s killing me. You act like you have time for all these people, when really you’re fake. Nobody can see that though. Or maybe they can but to spare themselves from any backlash they don’t say anything.
You’re a master of manipulation and you’ve trained everyone around you to be the same way as you. Yet you have no idea. The things you say, the things you’ve said, you just want to brush them under the carpet and pretend they never happened. You’ve damaged so many people yet you don’t even realise. You need to get your gaslighting under control, because now I’ve finally realised what you do, I want nothing more to do with you and I wont have anything more to do with you. One day (hopefully soon) I’ll get to a situation where I don’t need you. People rely on you for help and you sometimes abuse that, you abuse your position of power and it’s funny because a Tarot reading actually helped me see that.
You told me once that I had “bridges to build”, you threatened me once, you went to physically attack me, told me I wasn’t welcome in your home. You wished someone I know dead, wished their car would explode with me and them inside it. You made a point of making phone calls within earshot of them, to tell your friends how much they don’t deserve their life. I watched them crumble. You told me that all I brought was “drama”. I watched what you do, how you treat people; I now understand. You told me you didn’t want a relationship with my son because it would hurt YOU too much “when he gets taken away”. What you meant was through some insane assumption, you would never see him again because of me. Thanks for the vote of confidence.
All the times I’ve questioned why I cant get through, why I can’t break the wall down. I really stopped giving a shit a long time ago. I really never cared once you called the police to my home and told them that I threatened to physically assault you. I really never cared once you refused to make a statement about a man who assaulted me through trying to protect you. I really never cared once you told me I was using my (then) unborn child as a weapon when I told you I didn’t want him a voyeur to alcohol abuse. I really never cared once you told me that my opinion didn’t matter because I wasn’t family. I really never cared once you told me that I needed to seek professional help for my “angst”. I really never cared once you told me that I was “hell bent on conflict”. I completely stopped caring when you couldn’t see why racially inappropriate behaviour towards my son was an issue.
You continue to hurt me, without fail, constantly. I love you differently. Not differently to other people or differently to how I felt before. Just differently. You have the ability to give me the confidence to get through a day on cloud 9 but you can make me want to stay in bed wondering why I’m not good enough just as easily. You don’t seem to understand how much the things you do, the things you’ve done have affected me. I don’t really know who that reflects on more, me or you. You claim I’m important. I set aside time in my day to make sure you’re okay, to check on you, even when I’m with other people. Everyone else seems to be more important to you, you’re very “busy” but never “busy” with me. It would be nice to know that you would be there for me, like all the times I’ve been there for you.
Some things that you may or may not know, and this rings true for all of you. I said at the start of this letter, that you made me feel worthless “at a time”. Do you know what it feels like to feel nothing about yourself? Do you know what it feels like to question your own existence?
Do you really know what you’ve done to me? You broke every single part of me and you didn’t even realise. You are the person who led me to sit on my kitchen floor and cry, sob in fact, and tell myself over and over that my son would be better off without me. You are the reason why I go into his room at night and tell him how “I will try harder tomorrow”. You are the reason why I am scared for my friends to watch me be a parent. You are the reason why I am not as confident as I used to be. You’ve censored me and stopped me from being the person that I am because it doesn’t suit you. You’ve tried to form me into what you think you’d like when that person isn’t the person that you claim to “love”.
You took for granted that the person which you so easily attack, could one day turn around and attack you. You mistook my kindness, my forgiveness, my openness for weakness. You assumed that you could treat me however you wanted. You took for granted your position in my life, assuming that I would always care, when now I don’t.
You see there is a reason why I am the person that I am. I survive. I have lived a life with enough twists and turns for at least 5 lifetimes. Each and every time, I was faced with a situation that could dramatically change my life. Each and every time, I survived.
You think you know me, but you really don’t. You know what I’ve let you see of me. You’ve cast your aspersion and made your judgement. That’s fine. There is no rule to say that you need to be ever present in MY life. I’d forgotten that. I’d forgotten that despite being A’s mother and S’s wife, I’m still a person. My associations to them mean nothing in regards to who I choose to associate and/or disassociate with. That picture up there? That made me realise, I am still ME.
You need to remember that I owe you nothing. NOTHING. Nothing I have done or will ever do will be for your entitlement, unless this is expressly made clear by myself. When you hear me say the words, “I am doing this for you” then you will be able to claim whatever sense of ownership you THINK you have. I don’t HAVE to respect you; you have no respect for me. I wont raise my child to believe that certain people can walk all over him and say whatever they want and get away with it. I wont let him feel how you’ve made me feel. I will NOT let you dictate MY parenting, the morals that I instill in him. He is MY child, not yours.
Consider this a farewell from ME. Consider this a goodbye from ME. I’m not sorry and I wont ever be. Remember that I am a person, a solo entity who can make her own decisions and my decisions are not ones that I will push on anyone else. In case you don’t understand, stop assuming that just because I have no emotion towards you, that has to affect my husband or child. It doesn’t. When I say that I’m done, I mean ME and ONLY me.
– Lesley, the person worth so much more than this bullshit.